5 Key “Do’s & Don’ts” For Managing Anger In Your Relationship

When my husband and I were first dating, one of the earliest turning points that we had in our relationship was when we decided to take off kind of on this random weekend getaway. Something happened on the very first day that turned out to be unexpected and very frustrating; and he lost his temper in a very big, dramatic way. But instead of getting upset right along with him, and instead of making a snide comment (I had indeed made a couple of suggestions that could've helped us avoided the situation that we were in).

But I did not say anything.

Instead, I threw down some salami and cheese and cracked a Coke Zero and we sat on the back of the tailgate and just ate our snacks.

It only took a couple of minutes before our blood sugar was normalized and we were in much better mood and frame of mind.

But gave me this really big hug and said that I was the only woman that he'd ever been with that has not thrown fuel on the fire.  I think this is definitely one of the reasons why we work so well together is because neither of us want to inflame the other one.

If one of us loses our temper, the other one puts their own emotions in check so that they don't make it worse.

 How do you respond?

Do you keep your own emotions in check? Or do you get riled up too?

The way that your partner or spouse responds to their anger is their responsibility, but the way that you respond to their response is yours.

Managing anger in relationships is a team effort.

This is something that most people refuse either to acknowledge or they just don't agree with me. They think that if their husband or their wife loses their temper, it's 100 % a them problem. This is not them problem…

Anger is a "we" problem. And your response can make things better or worse, not just in the moment, but for your relationship as a whole. So your reaction is just, as important as theirs.

 Need some help managing your response to anger in your relationship?

Here are key "Do's & Don'ts" for you to consider.

DON'T MIRROR and ESCALATE:

Your partner gets upset, they lose it, and they lash out. And then you respond with your own anger and temper. And so this is what we call mirroring. All right. And what this does is it escalates the situation, it makes it worse. It is literally like throwing fuel on the fire.

Other things that can escalate a situation?

Making a comment that will provoke defensiveness in them.

Passive-aggressive comments.

Rolling your eyes or making certain facial expressions can also be construed as inflammatory in the moment.

Mirroring and escalating always leads to an argument, even if it didn't necessarily start out like that.

 INSTEAD KEEP YOUR COOL BY IDENTIFYING THE PRIMARY EMOTION

You need to stay calm, grounded, and non-reactive. And I think one of the best ways to do thatto figure out what's really going on beneath the surface of the anger.

What is causing the anger? Anger is what we call a secondary emotion. It doesn't come first, it comes after another emotion.

Feeling afraid, scared, anxious, out of control of a situation, or feeling powerless, feeling stressed out, overwhelmed, or under a lot of pressure, feeling hurt or embarrassed can trigger an anger response in many people.

Identifying the primary emotion can help you figure out what's going on, which helps you not be so  judgmental and help you talk about it and problem-solve or troubleshoot whatever is going on that is like adding to the anger.

I would suggest that you just take an educated guess or you can even ask your partner or spouse in the moment. But really the key is to do your best to stay emotionally present, calm, grounded and non-reactive.  

DO AVOID BECOMING DEFENSIVE

This is hard for a lot of people because I think it's becoming defensive is a very normal human response. Am I right?

Listening with curiosity will help you if you struggle with this.

Where are they coming from?

Are there any parts of what they're saying  that are true ?

DON'T SIT IN YOUR GLASS HOUSE

Everyone's got "stuff" right? Even you. And, so does your SO. Avoid being judgmental and thinking judgy thoughts about your partner or your spouse will certain help your relationship.

Sitting in judgment can be determinantal because, overtime,  it leads to other more insidious feelings. It changes how you feel about them. It changes how much you want to talk to the and be around them.

Judgement can very quickly morph into disgust, resentment, and even contempt.  

DON'T MINIMIZE THE TRIGGERING EVENT

This one is personally a big challenging for me.   

Whatever happened that triggered that primary emotion, let's pretend it's frustration or stress or anxiety, okay, whatever happened, try not to minimize it in your head.

What triggers your partner? No matter how big or small it is, it's important to them.

Avoiding minimizing can help you not have judgy thoughts.

STOP SAYING "DON'T YELL AT ME"

Yelling seems like something literally like every single couple deals with. The non-upset partner almost always feels like the upset partner is yelling at them. And the upset partner raises their voice to get the point across "I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU!"

Using neutral, non-accusatory phrases that cue your partner into the fact that things have gotten a little bit heated is a better way to go.

Here are my faves....

Is there a way we can dial it back?

Can we just bring it down a notch,?

Or can we turn down the volume?

This can help save you a silly argument about yelling.

If you struggle with anger (yours or theirs) I can help you! Check out the "general relationship coaching option"  to learn more.